The White Peach Blog

This morning I wanted to share photos of what, from the outside, appears to be just another happy + shiny week, but instead I needed to share a little of my heart.

This week I needed more out of life. More out of friends. More out of myself.

I needed someone to reach out and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I needed a good swift kick in the butt and the reminder that even when today seems to be a little darker than most days, that the sun will eventually come out again. Maybe even tomorrow.

But here’s the thing. I don’t know how to ask for help. Or maybe it’s that I know how, but don’t like to.

So unless there’s a psychic out there reading my mind and sharing my innermost thoughts with others, I shouldn’t expect that help to come, right?

Honestly, I’ve been staring at this blank page for an entire episode of Grey’s. That’s 40-some minutes that I’ve been unable to formulate what it is that I wanted to say. I have this week’s Instagram photos all queued up and ready to post, but I can’t put words to them. And that’s because the words don’t match the photos.

That’s the wonderful thing about photos. You, the photographer, get to control what you show. What you don’t see are the sweatpants that I’ve been all but living in for the last three days. You don’t see that it’s 11:00 in the morning and my kids are still in their pajamas. You don’t see the pile of dirty dishes that have been collecting in my sink since dinner last night.

Those photos would match how I feel.

It’s been a crummy week.

Wait.

It’s been a craptastic week.

I keep asking, begging, for a teeny tiny little break, but it just hasn’t come. Instead it feels like the weights are just being stacked on top of one another.

I wanted to write happy + shiny posts about our trip to Utah, June’s birthday party, my weekly Instagram photos, the last month of Project Life photos.

But the happy + shiny part is missing.

Last week at our little ladies night group we were talking about fears, and someone asked me if I thought I was so afraid of things because I’ve never had anything bad happen in my life. My answer was no, I haven’t lived any true tragedies. But the more I think about it, I shouldn’t have been so quick to answer. Because I most definitely know what it feels like to struggle. Both in the past and in the now.

I’m at a point where I feel like I should have a good portion of day to day life “figured out” and  instead I’m learning that I’ve just barely grazed the surface.

In the last week we had some big unexpected expenses come up that drained our bank account. Literally. We have nothing. No cash, no savings… oh, and because we’re credit card free, there’s no safety net.

On top of that I realized that the tabs on our Jeep expired on the 1st, one of the hard drives in our backup system has failed, and our dryer stopped working. All of which I can’t afford to replace or fix anytime soon.

The worst part? We ran out of formula, milk, and diapers… all at once.

How does that even happen?

I went to Target with a minimal list of what we needed, spent $40, and used my Target debit card knowing that it would be approved even without the funds in our account. I’m praying that my husband’s expense check comes today before that little charge hits our bank account and we overdraft.

That sucks. That really sucks. And you feel like a terrible, horrible person for needing to do it.

And that feeling doesn’t go away.

That would be the mess of crappy feelings that have been pulling on my heart all week.

I should be thankful that I have my family, my home, and my health. I have been blessed in so many ways… more than I can count.

But I’m still ready for that little break, wherever or whatever it may be.

I’m not asking for help. Like Matt and I have been saying for years: We’ll figure it out. We always do.

And it’s true. We always manage to make it work, no matter how far down that rabbit hole we seem to be.

But in the meantime, if you have any to spare, I’ll take a virtual {or a real} hug from you.

It would mean more than you’ll ever know.